Silence

As I was listening to this song the other morning at 6.30am, thoughts were flying in and out my mind. The song has never been so close to me. I remember the first time I heard this song was at Elaine's house. She just ripped the whole album of Jay's Fantasy. She ripped all the songs but not this song. I asked her why and she explained that the song was plain boring. I dont remember whether did I agree with her or not but I remember the next thing I did was that I bought my very first album of Jay Chou. The red album with his signature hoodie around him. And then I began to falling love with his music. Bit by bit. But it wasnt strong enough to have my mum allowing me to go to his very first concert, Fantasy. I want very disappointed then but I told myself that I must attend the up coming ones. Since then I buy every album of his every year. As for his first album, I dint buy it. It was a give from Dewi 4 or 5 years back on my birthday. And recently, Elaine gave up her Fantasy limited EP edition for me to complete my Jay Chou collection. So sweet :) And there was something that I dont quite remember but it was Elaine who reminded me. She said I cried during The One's concert at Singapore when he sang this particular song. I could not remember. Back to that morning, I was revising each and every word that came to my ear from the radio. I wondered, why did they play such emo song early in the morning. It wasnt from my collections of car CDs I swear. As I was listening to what he sang, it somehow pierces through my heart, my thoughts. I held back the tears. Man, I wasnt alone and I dint want to shed early in the morning. It will spoil my day. I never come across a song that was so near to me. I thought Kai Bu Liao Kou and Hei Se You Mou would be closer but no. At least I do no feel something as strong as I was listening to this. I have always been wondering and fantasizing about someone special would sing something to me and make it special. It never happen. And as I was listening, I put in thought that you were singing it to me. Refering every single word from the lyrics to me. Pointing it to me. "You want me to say it, but it was awkward. I dont even want a break up..." And that is why I said sorry yesterday. Sorry. And I dont know what else can I do. I know that feeling within you cannot be concealed by anything. And you cannot like this song by not knowing what it means. You may not relate the song to yourself but at least you should know the song to like the song. You might not bother what am I typing here. You might not even realise this. Or maybe you will think that this is nonsense but not to me. If only one of the sentence from the song works on you... "Dont worry too much. I'll be fine." And this song will never be bore me. There is now a song that reminds me of you except for Qing Tian. That song. And this song now, I dedicate it to myself. All you need to is understand this. You might think that I am an idiot by doing this, plus I know how much you dislike on how much I worship Jay but this is how and what I feel right now.

Because I was EMO

And this picture was edited by my master of EMO. Muahahahahahaha. Scary ;p I like this picture and I made it my display picture in MSN but I kept receiving comments on my bee stung lips. Its memang like this okie. I dint pout also. No photoshop. Dont hurt my feelings ah :( p/s : Will not be in KL for the whole week. Do not call or sms me because it will cost you alot. Leave me message here in my blog or email me will do! :)

Significant Little Humans

14 years ago, I remember meeting this cute little male classmate of mine. I remember how he looked till now. He was a pretty boy that I can never forget his name, Ronald Lim. He was the first person who talked to me and I remember having little crush on him being a stupid little girl who had no friends. We were friends till 10, then he left, I lost his contact and there goes the pretty little guy. Well, I got to meet him once in Penang, suprisingly in a swimming pool when we were 12. Damn. I seriously regret for not talking to him and asked for his contact. I was too shy partially because I was in my swim wear. Haha. He was shy too, as I can see from his eyes. I am sure he remembered me at that moment. 13 years ago, The first year of primary school, I was sent to a class, where I knew no one because I spent only a few months in the kindergarten years. There was this little boy, AL who has small eyes sat right beside me. I remember that left handed boy taught me writing in Chinese characters. But I am sure I can write better than him now. I even remember us holding hands!!!!! I spent most of the time with him back then. We played role-playing-of-Power Rangers as I was the yellow girl and he was the red one. Minus the boy, who is still a friend of mine now, there was this girl, DL who has big eyes and short hair sitting next to him, became a good friend of mine too. Though we are not close anymore (because I think she changed a lot!!!!), but she was one of my BFF leh last time. We were in the same class from primary1 to primary5, skipping primary6 because I dont know what the hell happened to me on that year, and from form1 to form3. We used to play getah and hop-stotch everyday without fail even during the haze-year. We learnt gymnastic and even went to the tournament together too. She was the girl I always sticked with when it came to sports. Oh, she was my favourite sports girl. 12 years ago, I met a new girl, PY who then joined me and my favourite sports girl. We then learn gymnastic together too, though she quited sooner than us. We played everything together. We were the threesome. Sigh. And it reminded me how few friends I had when I was younger. I were close to no one else but these 2 girls. However, the close friendship between us is longer than my favourite sports girl, it was till form4 then we were not that close later on. Oh. I remember us boycotting my favourite sports girl too. Haha. 11 years ago, I met another new friend, WM. She was a very very quiet and sweet girl. She was the girl that always forget to eat because she wasnt noticed about it. I thought it was ridiculous back then until now, I finally understood her situation. She was also the one who always write cute and mini letters even when we were so near. I am sorry that our close friendship ended so soon because of some misunderstanding :( 9 years ago, There was this guy, TPC (hahahaha your name is gonna be obvious because you were mean) who bullied me in class and now, he is one of my BFF. This fatty (once fat) yelled to the teacher when we our seatings were placed together. And I never did talk to him later until we knew the internet, we knew MSN and ICQ. I found him a good listener and a good person to talk to. And not long later, we became closer. In the years of high school, I remember him copying my homeworks in the mornings "Vivien, lend me your math book" and this and that. I also remember him buying me M&M's because of a small bet we made in class. He is now one of my best friend. Also, 9 years ago I had my first crush. Remember that I mentioned about having not much friends in school, besides some girls in the same class, no boys will talk to me, really unless they have no choice like asking me to move aside and make way for them. Why ah? I very ugly is it? Hahaha. This guy, with the initial of I, was one who talked to me! Although the conversation was crap, close to nonsenses, I remember the situation vividly till now. I remember what he wore and where did it happened as well. Being silly, I enjoyed every thing I did to see and know more about him. Haha. Still on the same year, I met my BFF now, C1. No, we were not in the same class but we were in the same art class. But the funny thing is, she was my classmate during primary1 but we never did talk, I think. Until we were 10, she approached me and asked me about my birthday. We then realised we share the same birthday. Hahaha. 8 years ago, I remember I had bad results and was sent to the 3rd class, first and the last time. I felt totally weird in a class of people whom I have never talked too. The worse thing was I realised that the sweet little guy I had a crush on wasnt in the same class with me anymore. Lucky I know C1. We grew closer then additional with PY whom I knew earlier. We became the threesome again. The PVC girls. Hahaha. Plus, I knew another girl, also with the initial of PC. If you're reading this, I have to admit that you were also one of the significant girl in my life because of some little things you did; like telling my secret crush to the guys. Haha. I was mad lar that time not anymore now :) Relating to that, I remember a boy, PJ whom I also got along well with. We used to talk on the phone for very very very long hours. I cant even remember the content now. One thing for sure, everytime I hear the song, Sometimes, it reminds me of you. Haha. Also, a significant friend of the name JL, someone who I really dont understand now. 7 years ago, The Malacca trip made quite a big impact to almost all of us who went. I remember how much I hated KVV that time because she was telling me things I dint want to hear about my buddy, WM and my crush. That trip made me knew another BFF of mine now, C2. That girl, I remember her sitting in front of me when we were in the bus but I could not remember her surname. It was hard for me and it took me sometime. That year was one of my most hated year because so many problems were going round and round. Stupid little things KVV did made the friendship between me and WM went loose. Not forgetting the crush, the big culprit. WM, if I ever said anything that hurted you that time (I cant remember), I am sorry. It was not your fault. It was just me being jealous. To the guy with the initial of I, I remember that you used to call me up every sunday evening asking me about homeworks. I thought you were lame but sweet. 6 years ago, I remember vividly how I met WD, the second crush at the staircase located at the second floor canteen. And I bumped into him 3 times that day. Drama for me. And bye bye to the guy with the initial of I, because he was very mean to me lor. I did so many silly things to even know what is his name as he was my senior. Also, that year I got along with my current close friends, SC and JK, both guys. I also remember the guy with the very similar initial with me, VWKS who sat beside me (mine is VSKW). And also made me fell and landed on my butt because he took the chair away. You are actually quite significant. 5 years ago, I remember arguing with two guys, YK and I (the first crush) for teasing WD. Hahaha. Damn childish. We never did talked for 3 days until they apologized to me. I remember TPC betrayed me by telling WD that I liked him. I also remember how the people made fun out of me liking my crush. I remember JH, the girl who started an once-so-hot forum with me, ANGELSTAR! OMG. You guys remember or not?!?!?! I also remember a junior, NC, yes you, because I remember how much I dislike you combine jackets with baju kurung. Hahahaha ;p 4 years ago, I remember how I met my first love, DT. It was totally out of expectation as I joined my BFFs to the Blue House outing, I was Green not Blue. I will never forget that day. I never did forget the conversations of the 4 girls made behind your back while you were in the front seat. And then, it was also your first time buying me a meal and sending me home. I guessed that was how it started as we could not leave each other over the phone and internet chat rooms ever since. I remember you winning in the 1X100m event though you dint break your brother's record. I remember you doing a sudden bow to the judges during the march past. Everything is still fresh in my mind :) I also remember the Talent Night that brought impacts to me as well. It was the song that made you think wrongly but I thought it was right as you can see from the outcome. I remember WD confessing on the stage. And I knew you were looking at me, learning my expression and reaction at that moment. Then I remember how we started, everything within the years before a decision made a month ago. On the same year, I made 2 good friends through the internet, SL and GY though they were in the same school with me. Hahaha. Both of you are significant to me :) 3 years ago, The last year of being in such a significant place, I was slowly inspired to blog decently by SA. I realised that we dint really talk to each other until the preparations of Prom Night. Haha. Why ah? BT, another significant girl who taught me a lot of things, mostly all bad (like how to scream at the top of your voice and giving people names). I will not forget about you as you sat beside me throughout the whole year :) Also the funny and weird people in my class, they were the one who I dint want to talk with initially but later, we grew close bonds. They are so funny and not as evil as I thought they would be. They never did bully me instead I was the one who bullied and gave them funny names. I really miss high school at Sri Garden. I miss everyone inculding those who were not mentioned too. I really miss you guys, peeps from high school the batch of 2005. Can we have a gathering this year again? I miss high schooooooooooooooooool life. I wonder why all these came to my mind but I really miss everyone. I want to go back to high school life. Omg. SEKOLAH SRI GARDEN ah!!!!!

Kiss Goodbye

I could not sleep last night. I had trouble falling asleep. It was very late and my eyes refused to close up tight and dream. And so, I reached to the mp3 place on the right hand side of my bed. I fed my ears with songs. It was like the childhood days when I need my grandma to sing to me to bed. But it was different, the songs I listened are not meant for me. My grandma used to sing unknown melodies to me. I almost fall asleep until the player played LeeHom's Kiss Goodbye. I'm not a fan of him and not very into his songs but suprisingly it was the second time for having the same situation while listening to this song. My tears were out of control. The song's lyrics (part of it) somehow led me to the scene when I last saw you. Its staying vividly in my mind till now although it has been sometime ago. I cannot forget the last look I had on you. The first time this happened was during 1 month back when I was alone on the back seat of my friend's car. The song was played in the radio and shit, I could not stand it. Friends, try not to play the song when the emo me is around. I remember you telling me that you wished that we'll have the same ending in the drama, Devil beside you. But I did not realised the ending you meant until you left. I hope dramas happen in real life too. Although I'm used to not having you here but you know what, I still miss you. I always wonder what are you doin over there. What you ate today and wha you learnt today. Did you had a good sleep, did you had enough rest. I want to let you know about me too! I want to see you, I want to talk to you... I've got to much to talk about. Its more than I can type in here..... Sigh. I miss you.

Their Thoughts

Sometimes its funny to know that how the others think of yourself. And I really find some of the thought about me, myself ridiculous. I remember the last time I had Korean dinner on the night before Lunar New Year, I accidentally swollen the fish's bones. I know that sounds very silly but the bones were very soft and tiny to be noticed. I felt s tortured when they were stuck on the inner part of my tongue that almost reaches my throat. My mum taught me to eat big scoops of rice to "stick" the bones out but it does not work. It was so frustrating. I hate the feeling that gives me no more mood to continue my meal. Then, I moved my butt politely to the washroom just beside the cashier of the dining house. Yes, I started inserting my short little finger in to reach to the bones. Hoping that I could pull them out. I feel like vomiting so much. And still, the bones are still there. Then for a moment, I realised what I was doing was quite similar to something called bulimia. According to definitions in dictionaries, bulimia simply means a habitual disturbance in eating behavior mostly affecting young women of normal weight, characterized by frequent episodes of grossly excessive food intake followed by self-induced vomiting to avert weight gain. Great! Now people in the restaurant thinks that I'm a bulimic. Plus I'm looking very thin, in a way that might give them the thought. The people were starring at me when I came out of the washroom. I bet they could hear me "vomiting" in the toilet that is located in such a short distances from them. I saw them whispering. I saw them smiling in a very irritating way. I'M NOT A BULIMIC. NOT AN ANOREXIC TOO. Fine. Forget about it because I have way more examples of how bad the others think about me. I don't think I'm offending anyone by having a baby face right? Or they are just so jealous about it. Hahaha. How come they kept giving me bad comments on how I look one. I very tired one you know. Yes, there is this bunch of people who labels me as a adult-wannabe when I'm seriously not. And the worse thing is, they don't even know me well. I'm 19 this year ok!!!! 20 on the following year!! So do you expect me to wear Miki House clothes or KikiLala's dress? I cannot wear mini skirt is it? I cannot wear lower cut top is it? I cannot wear make up is it? I cannot dye my hair is it? I cannot wear DIAMOND is it? I cannot wear heels is it? I really hate to hear it when people start to point at me and say, "Aiyer, that girl baru how old? Wear until like that... Aiyo. Kids nowadays....." with an auntie slang. Then, continue by shaking that heads. I'm so sick and tired of these already.......... Just keep quiet. I'm thin so what? You think I want is it? I'm 20 next year but I have a baby face and a mini body, you think I can control is it? Sigh.

Last Day of Being 17

Today, which is the very last day before I turn 18, I spent all the money in my wallet before I came home. Hahaha. Officially broke and wants to be rich tomorrow! ;p I bought myself a "present" and I'm quite happy at the moment. I'm looking forward for tomorrow. I had a nightmare last day that made me cried on my pillow, in reality. I dreamt that no one remembers my birthday. Thta's so sad right? Hahaha. So I'm going to post this and HINT to the others. HAHAHAHA. Yalar, desperate but what to do! ;p Aww. Its gonna be a brand new day for me tomorrow!

Vivien is not happy!

Because of... 01. Haze I hate the haze and I dont think anyone likes it. I really hate it and it irriates me to the max. I hate the feeling of having a another thin layer of dust on my skin. My skin is suffocating. And it dries up my throats oftenly.I hate the smell of the haze too. It sucks. I dont want a mask. Its ugly. Please please please try not to talk to me when we're staying outdoor. I'm tyring hard to hold my breathe. 02. Assignments My semester is going to end very soon; in another 1 month's time. Very fast isnt it? And it also means that assignments are going to pill up like a hill before you could even count the amount and remember the due dates. Shit. I've just handed up my ICC assignment and I still have to prepare the slides for its presentation due next week together with my CTR and IMMW's assignment. AHH. And another BCS assignment. Lucky there were something I like, like web authoring and advertisement copywritting. And very soon, I'll be sitting for my finals. 03. Loneliness & Lack of Freedom Damn. I feel very lonely everytime when my watch strikes 3pm. Because it is the time to leave college and that I could not lepak with my friend anymore. I have no freedom. I could not leave my house without a valid reason. Sometimes its saddening that I could not find someone to talk to and to turn to when I'm facing problems. Sometimes I just need more concern and attention from certain people. 04. My Fear of Driving Yes. The silly little accident's scene is still staying vividly in my mind. It kept replaying everytime when I'm driving. It makes me panick and gives me a bad feeling that I'll hit on something again. And then, I could not focus. 05. I'm broke! I've been spending more than usual this week. I'm going to die of starving soon. WHY? Because I dont know what had happened to me. I keep eating eating and eating recently when I'm in college. A big plate of mixed rice or even a big bowl of pan mee can fill my hungriness. And what, I'm not getting any fatter at all!!! Now I dont even have the money to reload my phone's credit. Sigh. Sorry if I've not been replying you. 06. Formal Dressings This is no good. I could not find any formal clothes for my upcoming presentation. And even if I've got, I look awful in them because they are OLD. Plus, my mum has alot but they just dont fit me. I guessed my mum has gained more weight already. ;p

Kidnapped Soul

It was yesterday when we, Carmen, Cindy, PuiYeen and I planned to meet up with our used-to-be guitar teacher, Eric Wong. We had guitar lessons together before a few years back every Sunday @ Ampang Point's Yamaha Music School. We were feeling rather awkward for the first 10 minutes after meeting up. I think its normal because we havent been meeting up for about 2-3 years. Or is it me who is the only one who feels unatural. Hmmn. We begin to chat. We started to talk about the past as if we were rewinding our lifes back to the period we were still having guitar classes with him. While chatting, I felt uneasy, seriously. It has nothing to do with anybody there on the same table with me but me, myself. I realised I've changed alot compared to the past. Perhaps not physically but mentally. My thoughts, my personality and my maturity. I've actaully turning into someone else slowly, within without being noticed. I've been changing and growing silently. I do not act like this in the past like how I'm doing now. I don't know. I used to be someone quiet. Someone who will do according to what her heart tells her to do so. Someone who is more real. Yes, I'm not what I'm mentioning. I'm not quiet anymore. I need attentions from certain people. If I'm quite it means I'm having some problems or that I dint like you. Now, I cant really do things according to my own feelings. I just cannot. I need to take care of everyone feelings. I need to listen to this and that. I cannot do things base on myself, alone anymore. Perhaps I need to have some responsibility but I somehow dont like it. It is like, sometimes I would love to blog about something but I knew certain people would get upset if they are in it. Or maybe like this, I dont want to spoil a certain relationship just because of a single entry or whatever. Blogging might not be everything of my life so I wont die if I dont blog about it. I can just sleep over it. All the while, I have this on my mind, "Tolerate is the key of everything." And I think I've been misled by this thought as the more I tolerate, the higher the others would climb on me. I've been doing things on what the others said I should or I should not. Its like a kite flying in the directions of the wind. That's not the worse thing of all but noticing that the kite is being attached to someone who flew it. I don't see freedom at all. A very good example to actaully describe my feelings now. How come I can be the old me where I do whatever I like, I want as long as I dont hurt anybody. I really dont know. I've lost myself. And yes, I'm not real enough. But not to all, maybe to the people who are close enough to me. I'm someone cheerful, rich, talkative, hyper, smart, lanci to people who dont really know me. To be honest now, I'm not what you guys think. I'm someone sentimental. I'm emotional. You think I'm lanci because I really dont like to speak to people I dont know especially guys UNLESS I like you. You think I'm cheerful, hyper or crazy because I dont really love to show my sad face anymore; I dont want people to know me as a sad girl. You think I'm smart because I'm really smart but not at the field of studies. I'm smart as in, I'm cunning. Whatever you call. You think I'm rich because I love to make myself look good and I know how to do so. I dont like people who judge me or people who love to stare at me in a rude way everytime I'm near them when they dont even know me. And I've met such losers. Please dont be jealous of me, really. Because I'm really not what you think. I'm just another better-for-nothing, maybe like you. Hahaha. And have you ever heard of this, if someone loves to put down someone verbally, it means this particular person is just having a very very low self-esteem. That's me. I know this is a very selfish thing to do so but it really feel much better. Sorry. Please dont hate me. I think its not a easy thing for me to type out this entry. Its hard for me to blab out everything kept inside me. Why am I always doing something which the others would be pleasant but not me. And sometimes why some people just love to make it sounds as if what they did are all right but not things I did. I dont know. I've no idea how everything has lead me to type out all this. Please, my friends dont feel bad or what when you come across this because this is typed for people who has shallow knowledge about me. I really had a hard time to search for real good friends because I'm just so fake. People who knew about me really understand but......... Sigh. I also want to take this opporunity to appologise to people who I've been acting bossy on. Its just because in reality, I'm being controlled. I dont know how to exaplin further more but just that. I've lost freedom, I've lost personality. I want to get them back. But I dont know how.

You pushed me back to Hell once I stepped on Heaven. ;(

Some might know about this, I was in a progress of getting a car. I was very happy and looking forward about it. "Your car is coming next week." she said. And I almost went crazy when I heard those words from my mum. She prepared everything I should have in my car. Sounds silly but yes. She bought me a car kit ot whatsoever, umbrella bla bla bla.. And even a kayu to whack people; only for emergency lar! ;p Me too!!! I was so so so so happy and I thought I was dreaming because I never dreamt of my mum getting me a car so quickly! But what the hell. She canceled the car buying plan just yesterday. I was speechless man. I don't know why. It happened just so sudden. ;( I'm very sad now okay. Especially when I see the almost-my-car around town. ;( And I was so mad yesterday that I sticked the P sticker on her car and drove.......... Hahaha. I'm not happy now!!!!!!

Wait, Waiting, Waited

I wait for my alarm to wakes me up at 5:45 every morning. I wait for the "smell" to fade off before i enter the toilet. I wait for my mum to rush me when I make up myself. I wait for the green light before I reaches Ampang point. I wait for my senior to get to college. I wait for my classmates to get in the class. I wait for the lecturer to start the lesson. I wait for Digi's daily SMS at 12noon in between lessons. I wait for my classmates to inform the lecturer that class is over. I wait for my lovely SMS replies right after classes are over. I wait for my friends to offer me the front seats in the car. I wait for the time when they offer to send me home. I wait for the LRT at the creepy stations. I wait for the time when the trains reach Maluri, so that I call my mum. I wait for my mum to pick me up later. I wait for the time to bath. I wait for the modem's light to fully lit before I can access to the internet. I wait for the pages to load. I wait for replies again. I wait for the clock to strike on 7pm. I wait for the clock to strike on 9.23pm again. I wait for my dream to appear. And again, I wait for the coming morning. I'm waiting for a laptop to use. I'm waiting for my air conditioner to work. I'm waiting for my room's light to lit. I'm waiting for my new study table's arrival. I'm also waiting for someone to tell me that I'm not a good-for-nothing person. And I hate to wait for people to pick u p my phone. I hate the "tuu-tuu" sound. This time, this post is true. I hate to wait but I always need to wait. This explained why I have a long neck lar. Some people might think I'm an unpatient girl but I can't explain why I'm able to wait for just a reply from certain people for like 5-6 hours. Now, I'm waiting for a chance to change this waiting routine. I really want to wait no more. And it is not that I don't want to blog. But there's nothing significant for me to rant about. I'm just waiting for something for me to share with YOU. I really am...

Senseless Post

Alright, I've just realised that I've nothing interesting or significant to blog about anymore. It seems like my life is turning down and dull. The everyday routine during the holidays sucks. At least it is now. The feeling of being isolated with the others is worse when I have no friends to talk to, colleagues that have different wave lengths. And when I have nothing to do at all, I love to think. I can think of almost anything under the sun; mostly negative. Have you heard that mostly thin people has depression? I'm not sure but I guessed so. Sometimes I've some points to rant about, gossips to talk about, problems to talk about and things to discuss about BUT I cannot find a suitable time to rant about, the right people to gossip with and the good listener to hear the bloody problems I'm encountering. Sometimes I want to blog about my sorrow and sad stuffs but I'm afraid it would be a little to private to be shared here. I don't like to put up private stuffs in public yeah. This is what made PRIVATE and PUBLIC. Some poeple just don't understand. Sometimes I even typed them out but ended up deleting the post though there are only a small amount of guest in my blog. I request for only simple things. A shoulder for me when I'm sad, some friends to hang out with when we have nothing better to do, someone to share my happy stuffs, someone who I can share my problems that no others will know about it. Very hard meh? I admit that I've tons of friends, good friend I mean but WHY. Why most of them actaully betrayed me? Yes, even close friends that I trust betrayed me. I'm a sensitive girl. Even if it is a very minor thing for you, it might be a BIG ISSUE for me. I would not need to to keep it as a secret if I want the whole world to know. Sometimes people betray just to earn their own benefits. Don't be so selfish okay? I've feelings and I'm a friend of yours not a human to be betrayed. Honestly, so far I've only A FEW friends that have never put me in this situation before. Very sad case right? Am I not good enough to be your friend or what? Or too good, too kind for you to climb over my head. Yes lar, memang my bonding with my friends not very good ever since I met him. I just want to devote to him 100% and hoping the same from him in return. But I cannot expect him to lose his friends as well. Sometimes I want to be selfish but I know I cant. I don't want to be as annoying as some people around. For a moment I was thinking, why am I so emotional huh? Menstrual punya pasal ke? Hahaha. Never mind, blabbing this out helps me to feel more relieved but don't take it as a joke. I'm still serious about this. ;)

Bad News!

Shit! I've drop like another 1kg?!?!?!?!? But I've been eating more than 4 meals a day now!!!! Breakfast (i usually don't), lunch at school and then lunch at home, dinner and supper. What happened?! I've been a very good girl for this two months; without skipping a single meal. I slept a lot too. And I did shit as usual as well? But why lar. Why am I not gaining weight but instead, I lose weight again!!! It's really very easy for me to drop weight, so people who wants to go on diet can look for me but why lar. I thought I would gain at least 3-4kgs after the holidays. ;( I'm really very very sad now. I should have stayed away from the weighing thingy. For a moment, I really hope it went out of order but no; I weighed again with another digital one and the result is still unchanged. Can someone help me about this? ;(

Dilemma ;(

Am currently sick of my hair now. I love washing it everyday and yet I can't. Because the curl will be back to neutral state and it'll be very dry. And if I don't wash them everyday, I feel very uneasy and uncomfortable. There's no smell just a sick feeling. I know we're not supposed to wash our hair everyday but i just like the feeling of clean hair. And the more frequent we wash it, the faster it will grow. Hahaha. And I'm sick of applying moouse on it now. Time money wasting. I've thought of leaving it without applying anything but it ended up like a broom. You get what I meant? A fishball head? The hair don't stay in a group and it looks very dry like those ugly hair, bad examples you can see in advertisements. I also thought of rebond it again. But but but, I didn't like the flat and straight look. Because of my hair, its soft and thin. It'll be very hyper flat after it. And there's also too many of us looking the same in straight -- more likely the same because of our hairstyles. I want to chop off my fringes, like before and at the same time I want them to be long but I dont think I'll look good in long fringes. I want something different. I don't like looking the same. I want it to be straight to save up the problems and yet I want it to be curl so that it'll return to the natural state -- wavy. Do you think I need a hair cut as well? It's now very long. I want to try (again) cutting it short but I doubt that I'll like it. I know I'll regret. I can't make up my mind. Any idea on having a different hairstyle?

Can I Not Drive?

Aww. I could not believe it that i actaully droev by myself. Before this, I was even afraid of starting the car's engine. No, don't ask me to drive or to seat at the driver's seat. I'll go mad. This is also one of the reason why I'm the last among my friends to drive. I don't even have the courage to attend driving classes. ;( Finally, I had to overcome this fear. The first two hours of my driving lessons are like hell to me. I was too nervous that I could not control my left and right legs. "What? Clutch? Accelerator? WHAT?" I shouted very frequently inside. The worst thing was, I could not understand my instructor's Cantonese. Sigh sigh. The engine went off more than I could count with my own fingers that morning. And I hate it when I was stucked right in front of the traffic light. I knew the others wanted to honk but they could not. Sigh. I can't even pull the hand brake. Please kill me. I want a driver laaaaaaaaaaaaaaar. The next four hours, I was taught to park the car. Shit! The girls hate parkings. I was lucky enough that I didn't hit anything down but my left foot went numb after an hour. If I were given a chance again, I'll say no. ;( And I hate it when the others cut over me.!!!

Why Isn't He a Girl?

Yes, am back from being on hiatus. And I've also recovered! I can now say bye bye to tissues and Vick. Hahahaha. Physically recovered. ;) Another reason why I'm on hiatus was because I was in some sort of depression too. I'm always like this. I actaully do not like to share my problems to the others unless needed. Even the adults around me noticed that. Everytime they look at me, they say I looked as if I think a lot. Yes I do. Everytime I do taroting or any other supersitious stuffs you can think of, they would advice me to share my problems. I'll go crazy one day if I still refuse to listen to them. Sometimes it is just so hard to find a suitable person to turn to. Frankly, I feel awkwards telling my problems to my close friends who I see almost everyday like Carmen and Cindy. No. I really don't share it with them unless I need help. I may sound selfish but I don't like the feeling of seeing them the next day when I'm okay and another day I'm mad. Just weird to me. I would actaully prefer to turn to people that eye contacts are not needed. People on internet is one of my option. However, it's not easy to find a good listener either, but I'm lucky that I've Susan. She's one of the best listener or to say a reader that most of the time I would turn to her whenever I face any problem. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to to blab out everything in my mind without having any feedback. Something like anger releasing. This time, I would turn to a guy. Because I would act adnormally that I would crap like the unusual me. Pity PiaoChing that he is always my victim. He doesn't reply but just let me type anything I like. Haha. Thanks pal. Sometimes I would burst out to Elaine, my cousin. She's one of my closest friend. But it is still kind of inconvenient that she's always busy and there would be the awkward feeling everytime I see her or anything lar.. I told you, I didn't like to talk about all these things to people I can see or what. Besides Susan, I've also a couple of good friends I made in Jay-chou.net. I can say anything, almost everything to them because they don't know me. Remember, I don't need feedbacks. I was thinking how good would it be if I have a sister. Yes, even if I'll see her everyday in my life but it doesn't matter in this case. Because she can help out anytime and be there for me anytime. I always wanted a sister. An elder one preferably. Why didn't my mother give birth to another sister for me? Why a brother.? I'm craving for a sister ever since I was at a very young age. I treated my brother like a sister. Yes yes yes, I would tie ponytails for him and dress him up in a girlish way. Kill me. I'm that childish. I remember very vividly in my memories that there was once I tied a ponytail for him when my mum asked us to prepare to go for an outing. I made him went out with the ponytail. However, I was to face to music when my parents realised it. That was the time I pampered my brother most. As he grows bigger, size I mean and age lar, I begin to feel irritated everytime we have to communicate. I don't know why. We never chat. There's no similar topics between us beside TV programmes and family stuffs. Nothing else. Sometimes i think I'm the green devil. My mum loves him more than she loves me; from what I can feel. Hmmn. Things he owes are always better than mine. Beside education and travelings, so far. Sigh. My mum pampers him a lot and he respects me no more. Whenever we argue, I'm also the wrong one. Why? I always tolerate him but no one sees it. I may be bossy but I'm always reasonable. And it's always my fault. Everyone says I treat him badly. Yes sometimes when he gets on my nerves. Deep inside, I don't hate him. I'm always doing things for his own good. He'll know one day. I know everything about him. I just act stupid. If I were to treat him badly, he would be in a different state today. I like sons but not brother. Lucky I have only one.! Hahahahahaha. Ooh, I din't give the names. He was named Jack when he was borned until he was 5 before entering kindergarten. My father named it i think. I din't like the name because my puppy in my grandparents' house was named Jack too during that time. So my brother asked if he could change his name to Jason. Why Jason? Remember the red ranger in Power Ranger? He is Jason. I din't want him to have that name during that time because I was so in love with the Rangers and I remember my bestie during that time, Alvin was playing the role of red ranger and I was the yellow one. Hahahahaha. And so, I lied to my brother saying that John is Jason's brother. ;) Why lah!? I want a sister.! ;( I'll get my daughter a sister in the future.

It is just not my day

What could be worse than this? Like said, sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga. Everything not good just rushed towards me today. My air conditioner went out of order again this morning at six that made me sleep under the fan. Oh dear. I could not sleep without air conditioner. I will just roll on the bed the whole night or day. Then, I realised my phone was not workinghelp m well too. The battery is kinda faulty. No matter how much I charged the phone, the battery will still always go flat very quickly. This is not that bad until i realised that the computer is not working too!!! Oh my shit. Yes yes yes, I'm blogging with my old laptop with only 1515 connection now. The computer that I normally used cannot work as the Windows could not be loaded. Babi. And what's wrong with this laptop? It takes me forever to load anything at all. Sigh. All these are not as bad as the news I received this afternoon. A friend of mine who was kind enough to send me to my campus every Monday to Wednesday is now not able to continue the car-pool. Shit. How am I suppose to go to my campus now? Useless me that I could not drive by myself. I can blame no one else but myself lor. Shit shit shit. What am I supposed to do nooooooooooooooooooooooooooow? Oh shit oh shit. There's nothing else on my mind but all these shits. Can anyone help me? Pass me your helping hands leh..... My tears are bursting out already. I need help!!! ;( Not forgetting that this awful day is still my blog's one year old birthday. Well, to be more specified, this is my third blog. I started to blog when I was 15 in blogdrive. I then shifted to another page two years later and now, on this blog. If you have been to my old blogs, they are much more childish entries compares to this current blog. Hahahahaha. I feel silly when i re-read my old blogs sometimes when I have nothing better to do. Sigh. Lucky there is still something that can neutralize my mood. But afterall, I'm still sad. Babi.

An Emotional Day

"Don't feel guilty sir. It is not your fault..." said the students to Mr. Indy, One of our lecturer who we like a lot. I bet he never know such thing will happen. He was just on his normal teaching plan. And suddenly something poped up in his mind while he was lecturing us on the subject, Introduction to Communication and Human Behaviour. We were learning about relationships between friends and commitment; subtopic- compliment. What poped up in his mind? His father, who passed away when he was 10 years old. Approximately 20 years ago. He said that we should always treasure our chances whenever we have; a chance to say anything good to anybody. We will never know when will it be our last chance. He told us that his father died in an accident. He stepped out the house like usual and came back lying in a coffin. Sounds so sad. Y_Y He said that he never had the chance to speak to his father. He was too young by then. Etc etc.. And when the stories come by this point, some girls started to sob. I hold my tears. I saw Carmen cried like a little girl and Cindy did not feel anything; i think she was not paying attention anyway. ;p And a pretty Bumiputra girl in my class, Jacqkielyn (nice name), cried like a little girl. The story remind her of her dad, who passed away too. Seeing her crying that bad made me sobbed too. At the moment i was still fine. I hold myself very hard not to cry. Because i was afraid that my tears would smerge my mascara. I started to cry like a baby when she told us her story. A real sad story which I'm not going to mention here. Then, it leads to another girl who cried out loud, a hyperactuve girl, Jamie. All this things reminds her of her family again. This time, i find her story damn sad. I really pity her. It is like some story that i thought it only appear in Tv screens. By that time, everyone was quite. The only noise you can hear is just tissue wrappers' noise. Some even ran out of the classes to avoid the sad stories. This time, i broke down. I cried because they made me think of my dad. Partly because i miss him. He left us when i was 10 too and promised to be back when i reach 12. I waited for his return till now. He did send some money for us for the first few months and later on.. Nothing. No news of him at all. We assumed that he began a new family there in New York. It is possible for me to have a guai-mui or guai-chai siblings now. ;p I remembered the last time me talking to him via phone was after the 911 incident. We were worried that if anything had happen to him. Phew. He is safe; and he was there during the incident! Sigh, i cried mostly because of the situation we had to face after the left us. My mum took up the whole responsibility to look after the two kids. Not only that, she has to work few jobs at the same time to also take care of my grandparents. Sigh. Banyak problems I tak mau mention kat sini lar.... I think i'll flood my blog. The worst thing was, i cried like a mad girl. I could not control myself. I could not catch my breathe. My heart beat was a double of the normal speed or even a triple. Oh my.. I looked like as if i had asthma. No, i dont. Just some breathing difficulties when i cry; when i try to hold very hard. And i went back to the normal mode about half an hour later. This is looooooooong. I think i shocked my friends. Sorry. Everyone cried like small kids in kindergarten. And the lecturer was forced to stop the class one hour earlier. He hope he doen not feel guilty as the boys were also crying like the girls. Awww. This is not planned. I feel weird when the whole class was crying here and there. Hugging here and there. Its just so weird as it is not any farewell or what. This never happenes to me. First time huh. And i can feel that, the bond between the classmates are getting closer after today. ;) Thanks peeps. Sorry if this entry is hard to understand. I'm still feeling kinda emotional now..

Moodless

I'm moodless. I'm like a compass which lost its needle that used to show its direction. ;( I dont know. I just feel that way now. And i hope someone would repair the compass very ver soon. So i thought, whether will the kids help me at least a bit with the smile on my black long face. And i went to my grandparents house for them. They dint help. *_* They tried to entertain me with the lion dance. Shit. When i look at Tammie, i felt even worse. LOOK at her man! She has longkang. *_* They even tried by cam-whoring for me. Even kids know how to cam-whore now. Geng! Notice Tammie's eyelid. I applied those eye lid sticker for her to make her eye look bigger. ;p Then Ivan was trying to get me the water apples. He thought i would be happy after eating them. Yes, my grandparents planted them and they are indeed sweeeeeeeeeet. Zoom zoom zoooooooooooooom. See the amount of the fruit!!! A lot right? I wonder will i earn by selling them in pasar malam. Zoom zoom zoom zoom zoom again... Even the ants are lusting over them. Hahaha. Ada national geographic feel tak? No. Doing all the clown show doesnt help. Thank you kids... But.. Sigh.

Mr. Fella

I used to hate this guy alot. To me, he's a devil that sucks to the max. He has an ugly feature and evil mouth of words. I really hated him that i can totally ignore him. Some of you must be thinking... "Ooh dear, how mean can this guy be to you?" or "Who the heck is he?" He is just a man who helped my family when we were almost dying. People who know me well will know who am i mentioning. I really hate him alot because, in my thoughts, he can never substitute my father's position. Though, i was neutral to him earlier when i firstly knew him. All he did was buying great stuffs for us and maintaining the house lot i'm stayed for more than a decade. Honestly, he recovered the situation of my family. We almost sell our house and even plan to shift to my grandparents house which is a very small and old house. And what's more.. Maintaing me in SSG. He brought us overseas like my father did. He bought us good stuffs and my first 8250 when i was barely 13. He bought me a turqoise gameboy when i refused to accept gold accesories from him. I was rather unsatisfied though. Forgive me. I'm just a childish girl before. What caused me to stop being neutral to him? Its his bloody mouth that could not stop talking, crapping, cursing, drinking, smoking, scolding, foul languages and big talks he did. I hate it most. I hate people talk as if their the best and yet there's no prove or whatever shit. No actions, talk only. I too hate it when he clarifies me as his daugther. I have only one irresponsible father. That's enough. Trust me. I dont even greet him when i was at the stage of boicot-ing him. I dont care what my mum said and no matter what he buys for me. And out of a sudden, he was lost from our contacts. Mum no longer contacts him nor request money from him. I guessed they argued. He wants to marry my mum but my mum insist not. Then, here comes the cold war. It was a year he did not appear in my life. And this is when my mum is forced to work 2-3 jobs a day. Her direct sales, flea market and some night life job. We were forced to sell away our Mercedes too and forced to send my brother to some stupid schools. Yes. I must use the word stupid. My mum broke down but she still insist not to look for him until one day he did. They recovered and same to my family's situation except for my brother. Pity him. Honestly, if they were not back together, i will not be able to register in Taylors and have my 6111. But now, i'm back neutral to him. Just for my mum. And somehow i'm not that childish anyway. Not that i can accept him but i think i should be thankful that there's no reason for him to pay such cost for us. He told me its because he's with my mum that's why he needs to do so. Bullshit. I can never be patient and talk to him in a good manner. Hahahaha.. He even promised to sponsor me for driving lessons and even a car. Here comes his stories again. I was just thinking.. ....... What reaction should i have. What should i do. I dislike him but i dont want to see my mum suffers. I dont want him to appear in my life, i still believe my dad will return one day. Am i naive or stupid. I guess, continue being neutral is the best.